A Brief Glimpse Within
by Beth6787
Summary: A turning point weekly dinner for Janeway & Chakotay, four months after returning to Voyager after being stranded on New Earth. Just how good a job did they do of "carrying on as normal" in front of the crew?...


Beth 6787

Christmas 2017

A Brief Glimpse Within

Setting: Kathryn's weekly 'command briefing' dinner with Chakotay

They had been in the Delta Quadrant for three years now, back from New Earth for seventeen weeks and three days. How did she know that straight away? As if she would, indeed could, forget - even for a second. The time had passed excruciatingly slowly since their return. On the surface, to the crew at least, all was as before. Kathryn was sure they had both been meticulous about adhering to protocol and correct formality not just on the Bridge but wherever they encountered each other on the ship. But standing here in her quarters now, looking out at the stars rushing by and waiting for Chakotay to arrive, she had to admit to herself that all was far from well. The unspoken tension was palpable and their masquerade had been in vain. It was Belanna who had come to her Ready Room earlier that day and - not very subtly, being Belanna - suggested they get together for a game or two of Velocity to work off the Captain's frustration! Of course, she had feigned complete ignorance of whatever it was that Belanna thought she had detected and assured her all was well but she was well aware that the Chief engineer and her good friend was not buying a word of it.

The fact was that she and Chakotay had been "walking on egg shells" for the last 122 days since they beamed back up. Appear "normal", whatever that meant. Nothing had changed, they were colleagues and tentative friends and no more. Their relationship on New Earth had been purely that of two stranded colleagues following Starfleet survival procedures who were, of course, much relieved to have been rescued by Voyager's return after just over four months on the planet. ...

Then it hit her like a lightening strike, they had been stranded on New Earth for 122 days. How ironic that after the same time interval since their return Belanna had called their bluff and made Kathryn realise she had to resolve things (somehow, oh but how ? ! ) with Chakotay this evening. He was already somewhat surprised that she had re-arranged this week's dinner from Friday to Tuesday. She had made an excuse about needing to urgently review some security matters that Tuvok had raised in the senior staff meeting the day before but she could tell from the quizzical but intense stare that Chakotay gave her on the Bridge that he also knew the significance of the date and that the real reason for this urgent dinner was far more fundamental.

Before she had a chance to think any further there was a chime at her door. Chakotay had arrived. "Come in" she said by reflex. He had chosen to dress down in off duty clothing. A pair of tan trousers and cream cotton shirt open at the neck. He had obviously hoped to put her at her ease but she had chosen to wear her full Captain's uniform as psychological armour. She suddenly felt very self conscious and decided to remove her jacket and drape it over the back of one of the sofas. Just look as though you didn't have time to change Kathryn she admonished herself. Go to the replicator and get busy with making Chakotay's herbal tea and check on the nut roast.

She heard Chakotay take a seat over in the corner of the sofa and stretch his legs out. 'So Captain, do we proceed with Tuvok's drill modifications or is there a significant problem I should be aware of?'.

So Chakotay was going to play along with her false premise for this dinner until she felt ready to broach the real agenda. Perhaps they had better have their drinks first, come on Kathryn who are you kidding, if ever you've needed a double shot of Expresso now is the time ! ...

Five minutes later, after ridiculous small talk about what they were having for dinner etc Kathryn could not bear the tension any longer and cut to the chase. "Commander, I had a somewhat awkward meeting with Belanna in my Ready Room late this morning. What I had expected to be an update on the warp core overhaul and energy divergence requirements for the rest of the program was actually a "heads up" on the fact that, according to Our Chief Engineer, almost the entire crew is gossiping about the tension between their Captain and First Officer. It seems the crew are of the opinion that we have had a serious falling out the cause of which is a mystery to them but the worry is pervading the whole ship and affecting crew morale. I spoke briefly to Neelix to instruct him to get word around the Mess Hall that they are mistaken and all is well which he effusively assured me he would do but I saw the pity flit across his eyes as he left. We obviously have to make more of an effort to appear at ease with one another."

Chakotay just looked at her intently for what seemed like an age then said " it is true that the Captain & Commander can pull that off but what about Kathryn & Chakotay? We have been trying to suppress them, pretending that we left them both behind on New Earth but it's not that easy is it Captain?"

"Chakotay, it HAS to be ! If any of the crew even suspected that our friendship had crossed the line, even for an instant, our credibility and the chain of command would crumble. "

" Would it really Kathryn? Do you really think our highly skilled and experienced crew, would condemn us for being human? Perhaps the situation is very much apparent to all, especially the senior crew. We have maintained a strict professional distance from each other for the last 122 days and we are both miserable, irritable and ridiculously formal. Far MORE so than before we were stranded on that planet. The give away has been the tension in the air every time we work together and the dark cloud that emanates from each of us when we have deliberately scheduled different duty shifts for days on end. The Captain & Commander doing their best to avoid each other is hardly a normal state of affairs."

"So what do you suggest Chakotay? That we start having lunch together in the Mess Hall again, spend some of our off duty time on the holodeck with the crew, go to Neelix's morale parties together?"

"Yes, Kathryn I do, exactly that. You must have missed our friendship as much as I have. It has not just sustained the two of us but has been a pervading psychological comfort blanket for the entire crew for the last three years. And they have needed it, what with the Kazon, Vidians, Seska..." Chakotay fell silent at the Freudian slip. Damn, he had mentioned the elephant in the room. Seska. As if Kathryn needed reminding of her and his poor judgement regarding romantic liaisons just as she was about to broach the subject of them.

Kathryn had frozen internally at the bolt from the blue. Seska. A name seared into her heart. All the pain she had caused to Chakotay, Voyager's crew and, yes, admit it Kathryn, herself. Protocol be damned. Seska - and what she represented - was the real road block to Kathryn's crossing that invisible barrier and reaching out to Chakotay._ When Kathryn forced herself to look up and meet Chakotay's eyes she saw that he had turned to face away from her. He had risen and was standing, bolt upright, rigid even and looking out of the starboard viewport. She could see the side of his face reflected in the glass and the unmistakable glint of tears on his cheeks. In that second all thoughts of protocol and reasoned debate to justify her position vanished from her mind; she just acted on instinct.

Kathryn stood up and walked slowly across the room to stand just behind Chakotay to his right side. "Chakotay, look at me" . He did not move a muscle. "Please ..." nothing. " I know how hard this is for you" he glanced up sharply but still looking out of the viewport although she could read the expression in his eyes " yes, I admit it, for us".

He turned to face her and for a long moment she held her breath as they searched each other's souls. Then he spoke the following words that she would never forget. More poignant than the Angry Warrior tale of New Earth and one that would cement their relationship for all eternity.

"Kathryn, outside this room you are the Captain & I your right hand man and loyal First Officer. The Commander will follow the Captain to the gates of Hell and beyond. The Commander will back the Captain's command decisions, debate the options with her and guide her as best as he is able bringing all his experience and skills to bear to achieve our common goal of getting this crew home safely as soon as is humanly possible. He will maintain an air of friendly formality and respect the chain of command at all times and set the best example he is able for the crew to aspire to emulate. But...behind these doors I ask that it is Kathryn who meets with Chakotay even if only briefly for one dinner a week. We need those couple of hours, to breathe life into our true selves. I cannot survive solely as the Commander for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for however long this journey lasts and I do not believe that Captain Janeway will survive and prosper if Kathryn is allowed to die." He fell silent and awaited her response.

Kathryn looked back at him and in that instant there was only one response conceivable. Captain Janeway faded into the deepest recesses of her mind and Kathryn closed the distance between herself and the man she loved so dearly. She looked into his eyes, raised her hand to his cheek to wipe away the remainder of his tears then bent his head to hers.

8


End file.
